Excess Weight and Body Fats? Laugh Them All Off

Have you ever heard of the truism “jokes are half meant”? If you have, do you believe in it? If you have not, then now, you have read of it and maybe if you read on, you’d be able to think of a joke of your own which could be half or full-meant.

I gathered some of the most popular jokes on health and fitness over the Internet and after laughing about them, I thought maybe I could tell something that would prove that these jokes were born out of the sometimes painful and bitter realities of life.

It would really be nice to have a slim and really fit body but not everybody is blessed with such. There are some people, no matter how much food they take, including calories, fats and all, who never gain weight or grow fat. But to those who are blessed with tons of excesses in fats and weight, trimming down is one of the most difficult tasks in the world. Especially if “exercise” and “dieting” are alien terms for them, this humorous analysis of how the human body was arranged is just right:

I don't exercise at all. If God had wanted me to touch my toes He would have put them up higher on my body.

Sometimes, in the lowest point of your weight-loss campaign wherein only your weight doesn’t go down and the rest, most especially your ego, has dropped down beyond the base, you find ways to console your ultra-bruised and dying ego. And one is to consider that every shape is accepted in the society:

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

And then there’s the matter of aging. To some, the question is: why change the course of time? A person’s age adds up and along with the increase of the age is the gradual decline of the body. It is just a normal process. Why put pressure on yourself and your failing body? Age, time and fats are ganging up on you, three to one:

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat have become such inseparably good friends.

To choose whether to follow what you think or what you feel is another difficult task. It is an honorable and praiseworthy thought of working to get into shape. But, what would you do if the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak?

Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling passes.

And then there are some people whose form of exercise is sharpening their wits. They could utter one-liner wisecracks that could make it to the funniest sitcom on TV:

The only exercise you get is jumping to conclusions.

And who said that only the adults are having a hard time being friendly with exercising? Take a trip to a school PE schedule and you might be surprised to hear some outrageous quips coming from the tots that you think are advocates of physical fitness:

My gym teacher told me to touch my toes. I said, "I don't have that kind of relationship with my feet. Can I just wave?"

Excuses are the most popular forms of escape from the campaign towards getting fit and healthy. Here are some excuses that you may have sheepishly used once, twice or maybe more than thrice:

• But it was my birthday, so I had to eat the whole cake.
• I had to get the bitter taste out of my mouth from eating the so-called dish, so I had an ice cream.
• If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
• If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the diet soda cancels out the calories in the candy bar.
• If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
• Only eat things that have been broken into pieces; that way, all the calories fall out.
• Chocolate is a vegetable. How, you ask? Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

And there’s just the hardheaded approach, the I-really-don’t-care-whether-I’m-fat-or-slim attitude that you may pronounce as a hopeless case. It’s actually very easy to tell, once you hear this line, it’s it:
I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

Getting fit and staying healthy is not a laughable matter – or is it? One thing sure is that it isn’t an easy task. It involves determination, hard work and some light moments on the side. After all, laughing – for a long period – can help shake those excess fats off. And even the doctors agree it’s the world’s best medicine.

A Simple Plan For Weight Loss

Want to lose a pound a week?

The math is pretty simple. One pound of fat equals 3,500 calories.  Then you need to consume 3,500 calories less per week than you use. That's about 500 calories a day. By cutting out 500 calories a day from your normal daily diet, while keeping your activity level the same, you can lose approximately one pound a week.

All right - that doesn't sound like much, especially if you're more than 25 pounds overweight. Study after study has shown, though, that those people who lose weight gradually - at a rate of 1-2 pounds per week -are far more likely to keep the weight off and maintain a normal weight for a lifetime.

So how much exactly is 500 calories? If you're going to reduce your daily intake by 500 calories, it helps to know what you need to cut out, right? Here's how easy it is to lose 500 calories a day:

• Use milk instead of cream in your coffee. Savings? 50 calories per cup.
• Skip the butter on your baked potato. Savings? 100 calories
• Drink fruit-flavored water instead of a 16 ounce soda. Savings? 200 calories
• Skip the Big Mac and have a salad instead. A Big Mac weighs in at a whopping 460 calories. A fresh salad with a light dressing? Less than 100! Savings? 360 calories
• Pass by the bag of potato chips. An average snack size bag of chips has over 300 calories. Savings? 300 calories
• Eat your corn on the ear. A 1 cup serving of canned corn has 165 calories. An ear of corn has 85. Savings? 80 calories.
• Switch to low-fat cream cheese on your bagel. Savings? 90 calories per ounce.
• Love those fries and can't give them up? Swap the skinny fries out for thick steak-cut ones. Thin French fries absorb more oil than the thicker, meatier ones. Savings? 50 calories per 4 ounce serving

If you'd rather look at losing weight from an exercise perspective, you can also lose one pound a week by upping your activity level by 500 calories a day. How easy is that to do? Take a look:

• Take a half-hour walk around the park. Aim for a pace that's a little faster than a stroll, but not fast enough to be breathless. Burn: 160 calories.
• Get out your bike and take a ride. Tackle a few moderate hills and aim for about five miles total. Burn: 250 calories
• Go dancing - and really DANCE. The longer you're out on the floor instead of at the table drinking up high-calorie drinks, the more you'll get out of it. Dancing that makes you breathless and warms up your body will net you a nice calorie savings. Burn: 400 calories for one hour
• Swimming is great for you, and a lot of fun, too. The water resistance means you burn more calories, and you avoid the stress impact on joints from aerobics, dancing or walking. Do a few laps at a slow crawl - if you can get up to an hour you'll be doing great! Burn: 510 calories
• Get out into your garden. An hour of gardening tasks that includes bending and stretching can burn up to as many calories as a brisk walk. Burn: 250 calories.
• Play a game of tennis. Hook up with a friend for a weekly tennis game and you'll be amazed at the difference. One hour of vigorous tennis is one of the best calorie burners around. Burn: 800 calories

It’s important to keep in mind that all exercise/calorie numbers are based on a woman weighing 130 pounds. If you weigh more, you'll burn more. Want an added bonus to burning calories through exercise? When you exercise, you build muscle by converting it from fat. Three guesses which kind of body tissue burns more calories - even when you're not exercising. You got it - your body uses more energy to maintain and feed muscle than it does fat.

For best results, mix and match food savings with exercises that burn calories. Do keep in mind that eating less than 1000 calories a day for more than a few days will convince your body that it's starving and slow your metabolism. Keep calorie ranges reasonable, and consult a doctor if you want a quicker, more drastic weight loss.